Can't Get You Out of My Head

Author’s Note: Trixie Belden® is the registered trademark of Golden Books (Western Publishing). This story is not for profit.

This story is written in celebration of Jixemitri's anniversary. I'm so proud and grateful to be a member.

This story is a collaboration between myself and Jenni J, who wrote the Trixie part of this story. I insisted she get involved in this and I thank her for her encouragement, support and ideas.

I also have to thank Lil. I don't know if I'd still be here without her. And I guess I'd better thank Kylie for inspiring the title.

Jim

Sweet, tender hot meat burning my fingers as I ripped the flesh off the bones.

I swallowed quickly, the meat filling the hole inside me. I felt satisfied.

I could survive on my own, I didn't need him, I can make it on my own.

Couldn't I?

Was I kidding myself? Could I really be happy like this? I'm happy I'm free but...

Yesterday I was happy, happier than I had been for a long time. Good, wonderful food, just like Mom used to make, and there was laughter.

They actually made me smile. Honey was sweet, timid but lovely. Trixie was... what was it about those eyes? They smiled at me, they made me feel... she made me feel...

I hated seeing the distrust in them. God, I wish I hadn't lost it like that. But why would she think I'd made it up? Why would I make something like that up?

I saw the hurt in them the moment before I ran. Why does my gut cringe like that every time I remember it? I'm sorry Trixie, I didn't mean...

Bob, bob-white!

Was that her? Oh, God! What am I going to say? Would she forgive me?

"Jim? It's Honey."

It's not her, it's okay. Just breathe, breathe...

"I brought you some food. Oh... is that rabbit?"

"I caught it myself." Did I sound too proud?

"You did?" Her eyes filled with wonder. "It smells wonderful."

"Would you like to try some?" She hesitated. "It tastes good."

She nodded, and I cut some flesh from the rabbit and put it on the lid of a tin I was using as a plate. I watched her accept it slowly. Did she distrust me as well?

She chewed slowly, her face lighting up as she savoured the taste. "It's wonderful Jim."

"I'm glad you like it." Deep breath, you can say it. "Look Honey, I'm really sorry I lost my temper yesterday. I shouldn't have said those things, you've both been so good to me."

I couldn't quite meet her eyes. Would she accept my apology?

"It's okay Jim. Trixie didn't really think you were lying, but I can understand you getting upset."

"I shouldn't have lost my temper though," I said meekly, awash with relief. "I've got a habit of doing that. It must be the red hair."

"My Dad has red hair too," she giggled, and then sobered. "Say Jim, do you really think that dog could be mad?

"It could be."

"I had a horrible dream last night." She shuddered, and her gaze dropped the ground.

" I was coming to visit you and I was walking along the thickest part of the woods. Suddenly I heard something rustling along the path ahead of me. It was a great big black snake with a thick white strip down its back, and it was coming toward me as fast as it could. I just stood there, too scared to move or scream or anything. I - I woke up dripping wet with perspiration."

She glanced quickly at me, as if daring me to laugh at her. Her eyes were scared, ashamed. She was truly frightened. Oh God! I shouldn't have told her that story. Trixie was right.

"Honey I'm sorry. I shouldn't have told you that story about mad animals. You've got nothing to worry about, really you haven't. The chances of getting attacked by a mad animal is a million to one."

She looked skeptical for a second, then relief settled over her face. The poor girl. I bet she's probably frightened of her own shadow.

"It's a shame your chances of getting bitten by a snake aren't as high," she said soberly. "Trixie's brother got bitten by a copperhead yesterday, just like your aunt did."

Did I forget to breathe? Thank God it wasn't her.

"Is he okay?"

"He is now. Trixie saved his life." Honey shook her head, horror flickering across her eyes. "I got to her place just after it happened. She was amazing. She just did everything right. I'd never been so scared, but she was so calm. I-I had to hold Bobby as she cut him, and there was all this blood... but she saved him."

Concern, fright, admiration and amazement flashed through my thoughts. Could girls really be that brave? Wow!

"She really did that?"

Honey nodded. "She was so brave. I've never met anyone like her Jim. I really wish I could be more like that, I'm just so scared of everything."

I've never met anyone like her either. Those eyes...

"No wonder you had that horrible nightmare Honey. What happened to Bobby was scary and my story would have just made it worse. Is Trixie okay?"

"She was pretty upset. I think she blames herself."

"But she saved his life!"

But I knew how she felt. I want to go and find her. Now. I want to tell her I'm sorry, I want to make sure she's okay. I want to see it in her eyes... I want to hold her...

"I've got to go and see if she's up yet." Honey broke into my thoughts. "We'll be back after her riding lesson."

"Tell her..." I looked at the ground. How could I put it into words?

"I'll see you both later then."

"You'll be okay?"

"I'll be fine."

I will be when I see her again. God, why can't I get her out of my head?

Trixie

The dreams, when they came, yelled at me. Jim's anger ringing through my head, Bobby's cries, "Your father is going to be very proud of you".

Each time I woke up, trembling, wet with sweat, the guilty sickening tightness in my stomach.

And I listened. Moms and Dad walking up and down the hall, talking in hushed tones.

"He's fine. He's going to be okay."

Were they just trying to reassure each other? Was it the truth?

I wanted to get up. I wanted to find out if he was really okay, but I couldn't face them. It was my fault, I let it happen.

The tears prickled my eyes again, and I let them fall. I couldn't work out if the pillow was wet with sweat or my tears. Maybe I'd been crying all night.

And inside, hidden behind the guilt over Bobby, I could feel the shame gnawing at me. I couldn't forget and I didn't know if I could put it right. Jeepers, why didn't I ever think before I opened my mouth?

Jim was different. He wasn't like Mart, I knew that. So why did I accuse him of making up stories? He needed us to trust him, he needed our help and I let him down.

The expression on his face, his green eyes flashing, the anger mingled with hurt and disappointment. It was burnt into my head.

Why did I do that? What if he's gone now? He thinks I don't trust him and now he's run off again and I'll never see him again.

Oh, please no... I almost lost Bobby, don't let me lose Jim.

Maybe this is my punishment for how I acted yesterday. Maybe what happened to Bobby is because I hurt Jim. Now Jim's going to run away again or get caught by his step-father and that will be my fault too!

Breath - breathe - breathe...

No... breathe...

Don't think that. Bobby's going to be okay, Jim's safe and he's going to be okay. Old Mr Frayne will get better and Jim can live him and he can work on the house and fix it up again. Brian and Mart will help him, and then we can all go to school together and I'll get to see him all the time.

It can work. It's going to be okay...

Go back to sleep now Trix. Just think of his green eyes smiling at you, that smile...

Breathe...

Jim, please forgive me...

The End.